Liz and Martin Wk 7 - Assumptions and Assertiveness!

Week 7 in our Family Mentoring saw us looking at assumptions we make when communicating  (or thinking about communicating) and being assertive! An interesting duo of topics which ultimately linked  together as we understood that often the hardest people to be assertive towards, and communicate effectively with, are those we perceive as being in positions of power, our friends/family and ourselves! Assertiveness is a skill many people find difficult to master without being seen as too aggressive or totally passive!

WHAT IS IT AND HOW DO WE MASTER IT?

ASSERTIVENESS –“a way of thinking and behaving that allows a person to stand up for his or her rights while respecting the rights of others.”

A person who has an assertive attitude recognizes that every individual has rights. An assertive attitude is important in recognizing that rights are being violated. 

It comes down to communication-with yourself and other people, values and having an understanding of your rights as an individual and as a family unit! The most common one we have problems with is “I have the right to say NO” (and yes I know you are smiling and agreeing as you read that!) We are too often programmed as we grow up that we are the least important in a long list of people in our lives and are always putting others first, all too often not standing up for our own wants and needs! (still smiling and agreeing I see!) And we assume that if we say NO we will be seen as less of a person, and draw the same conclusions should we ask for support! (still agreeing out there? Thought so!) Suddenly we look round and wonder:

Why are my children not asking for support, making assumptions about the outcome if they do and either being walked all over by others or being overly aggressive!

Is this all sounding a little bit familiar to you? Thought it might! So here isour little tip to make it all the easier for you to communicate assertively - I THINK, I FEEL, I WANT (or would like)! Three little sentences that can make a big difference! So here’s the Scenario – you are giving a presentation at work and your boss (Mike) tells you your idea is ludicrous. How do you put your point across that you are not happy with the outcome assertively but not aggressively?

Mike I think that you have not properly reviewed the points and re-search in this presentation. (This tells him calmly how you are seeing the situation)

I Feel frustrated and disappointed after all of the hard work I have put in (no-one can argue with how you are feeling about a situation as they are your feelings!)

I would like you to take the time to fully read it and then we can discuss and address the points within the presentation. (you are offering him a calm and effective solution which will allow discussion and a way forward)

At first, it may be tough, but you can do it. Remember, you'll feel better about yourself and those around you when you practice assertive behaviour and ultimately the quality of your life will be better!

An assertive person clearly expresses his or her rights or need, facing problems promptly and focusing on solutions rather than problems. – And that to us sounds like Liz and Martin now that they are seven weeks into their journey, even if up until now they didn’t realise that’s what they were!!

4 Comments

Posted by roger on 03 October 2011

Assumptions can cause so much confusion in business, better to deal in facts! An assertivness is rightly about feeling able to have an opinion, rather than inflicting your will on others. A great session it looks like!

Posted by Alison Gilbert on 03 October 2011

Funny how being assertive actually saves energy. Frustration and anger and self talking energy. Good reading keep it coming! Ali

Posted by Tommy on 02 October 2011

Change...the first steps are always the toughest but the feelings of achieving something whether it be big or small are overwhelming.

Posted by Tommy on 02 October 2011

Change...the first steps are always the toughest but the feelings of achieving something whether it be big or small are overwhelming.

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